Biden Administration Doubles Down on Safety and Drug Use

To protect the nation, Joe Biden will keep his new padded riding helmet readily available on his garage shelf next to his tin-foil hat and the classified documents he stores there for secure transport in his open-air Vette. For the full story, read “Biden Assures Nation We Have Nothing To Worry About” on The Babylon Bee.

President Biden today commented on safety-first being the administration’s new top priority at the White House. Hallways are rapidly being retrofitted with padding and safety rails put up along the walls. The president has been tripping lately, and we don’t mean on these: “Mood-altering mushroom sales bloom despite safety concerns.” Those little beauties present safety concerns of a different kind, although also not unfamiliar to the nation’s president.

Photo credit: Pixabay | CC0 Public Domain

The president does not actually care for the super silly mushrooms, although he says he has played with them from time to time on Super Mario Brother. Instead, he says he prefers tripping out on some wild-wood weed … or on stage with the use of sandbags or up flights of stairs when, as he puts it, “flying higher than a kite on Air Farce One.” The president added he has particularly enjoyed spending time lately “gellin’ with Yellen,” the nation’s treasurer, to a little herb as the two invented impossible fairy tales about a national default that cannot happen under constitutional government.

Understanding the president as he related some of his stories to the press at an event hosted by the White House for reporters, which served some wonderful brownies, can sometimes be challenging if you don’t know the president’s personal language. So, the White House also offered members of the press this educational video:

Asked at the event whether or not his recent threats of a government default on its debt were simply a gaff, the president did admit he might have used his Blarney license as an Irishman on some of that when it was pointed out that payments on the debt could have been maintained by simply delaying the salaries of congressmen and top executive staffing for a week.

Biden did explain, however, many so-called discretionary expenses really cannot be postponed by simply shutting down parts of government, in lieu of defaulting on its debt obligations. “The debt must be plainly secondary,” he said, misquoting the constitution.

“For example,” said the president, “We spend almost a billion dollars a year on entertainment for government officials, and we would lose many key and seasoned professionals in government if we did not keep up with those expenses. As an example, he brought up Janet Yellen again, whom he mistakenly referred to as “the national treasure,” saying that she has a great interest in saving the antarctic penguin, which loves to slide off the ice into frigid waters.

We apologize for the content of this “which is which” penguin photo. Some have told us it is inappropriate to penguins.

When Biden and Yellen are not tripping together in bone-chilling misadventures, the president likes to spend time perfecting some of his bicycle stunts. His latest, he said, is going to be to ride past a group of Girl Scouts and smell their hair without falling over or being noticed.

Another recent expense for the Treasurer, which Biden pointed out, was her sex-change operation. Now that the Biden Administration has begun insisting the government pay for essential gender-related operations from the bottom of the military to the top of the executive branch, these payments cannot be deferred just for the sake of the nation’s credit rating:

Before

After

We think everyone will agree, the transition was an improvement, and it goes a long way toward explaining why the US Treasury sometimes functions more like a kangaroo court than a sovereign treasury.

In other hot news today, PETA President Ingrid Newkirk announced she has updated her will to donate her body to a barbecue. We kid you not:

Peta president Ingrid Newkirk updates her will to distribute her body parts for animal rights awareness.  (Fox News Digital)

Newkirk explained her recent endorsement of cannibalism as a form of dealing with human remains by explaining to the wary public that many of the animals she seeks to save commonly enjoy eating humans anyway.

“PETA president plans to donate her flesh for sizzling post-death human barbecue: 'Fry up with onions’”

(Or we recommend fava beans and a nice chianti. Sometimes you don’t even have to make this stuff up! It literally writes itself.)

Newkirk says she hopes her sacrifice will live beyond her pull date by “bringing attention to the needless suffering of animals that humans eat just like animals eat humans.” While biological scientists claim that humans developed their larger brain and upright stance due to being the ape that developed a taste for meat, an appetite which necessitated seeing over the Savanah grass and compensating for lack of fang and claw with clever inventions like rocks and spears, Newkirk says the insanity must end. “It has gone on for too many tens of thousands of years. It is time we devolve into the happy amoebas we once were.”

Certainly, her new burial practices will take her back along the evolutionary scale long prior to the following newly discovered species claimed to be human ancestors whom scientists said this week were now understood to have buried their dead as far back as 300,000 years ago:

“Mysterious species buried their dead and carved symbols 100,000 years before humans.”

“The brains belonging to the extinct species, known as Homo naledi, were around one-third the size of a modern human brain.

“The revelations could change the understanding of human evolution, because until now such behaviors only have been associated with larger-brained Homo sapiens and Neanderthals.”

Well, then, I guess we know Newkirk is not of the larger-brained variety.