Biden v Trump: The Debate of the Centurions

It's a hundred-year event ... for the participants ... or just about so.

In what is being billed as the “Debate of the Ages,” we can all watch CNN almost live (like the candidates) Thursday evening to see Dementia Man #NoMoJo debate Donald McRonald the Orange Clown.

The high bar for each candidate in the debate is to prove enough cognitive function to form coherent speech patterns and to see which candidate can remain awake the longest throughout this trial between the two of them. Each candidate will have an attached brain monitor for verification of consciousness.

The event is expected to be a real sleeper. #NoMoJo will be strapped to his chair to prevent him from wandering off the stage, and Donald McRonald will have his mouth gagged, as is customary whenever he’s on trial.

CNN has pledged that candidates’ statements will be factchecked afterward by a bipartisan panel of commentators comprising Dr. Anthony Grauci, Hunted Biden, Representative Margorie “the Mouth” Taylor Greenhorn and former Republican Senator George “the Saint” Santos, all recognized national leaders in human ethics.

Diaper service will be available after the event for both candidates, and the room will be equipped with charcoal air filters beneath each candidate’s chair for the safety and comfort of the debate staff and the audience and to reduce the event’s impact on global warming due to methane … and long-winded verbal releases of hot air.

(Now, if only the mics would be turned off while the candidates are speaking so we wouldn’t have to listen to them.)

Tune back in on Friday for our analysis of the event in two articles:

“Trump Wins!”

“Biden Wins!”

(Like the famous Chicago Dewey headlines decades ago where a story was ready to go either way, we’ll have one to go for each of our two evil stepsister publications, The Malarky Musket and The Trumpette Gazette.” The Musket regularly takes potshots at Biden while The Gazette blows away Trump whenever he blows his own horn too loud; so, subscribe to the one that will always go after the guy you want to see lose; that way it’s all entertainment, no offense. We wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, though today’s article was equal-opportunity criticism. Usually we divide our humor to stay within the party lines expected by today’s readers because reading is dangerous.)