Fallen President Accused by House of Abuse of Impotency
"Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up."
Slow-Mo Joe — also known under the Twitter hashtag #NoMoJo, as an apt slogan for the aging president’s campaign expressing the nation’s hope that he will never be president again — was formally accused by the House Ways & Means Committee today in “The Case of the Hunter & the Hunted” of the abuse of government power in protecting his son.
Democrats were enraged by their committees findings, and the ranking member among the Democrats said in his closing argument that, “While no one is above the law, clearly some are meant to operate beneath it.”
Ways & Means officially alleged that the offshore company Joe Biden & Son, which is registered in a Ukrainian tax-free zone, conspired in bribery. When Biden the Younger was not snorting and Biden the Elder was not cavorting in the strawberry-scented hair of ten-year-old girls, the two allegedly worked together to bring down a Ukrainian investigator who was looking into corruption at Burisma Holdings, a company where Hunter Biden was a board member without qualification, outside of his connection with “the Big Guy.”
Sought for comment on the charges, President Biden could not be reached today (or found). It seems he was on a wander in the Rose Garden.
To prevent the wandering often association with Alzheimer’s, the president was guided by the hand toward a podium to speak earlier in the day:
The president, angered by the claim that he was being taken by the hand so that he would not wander, stated the accusation was “a bunch of malarkey.” Later, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre clarified that the president was merely being guided by the Secret Service for safety because some of the podiums he has been asked to appear on had been mined with sand bags in order to bring down the American president. As a result, security measures have been stepped up.
Last time the president, himself, failed to step up, the crowd cheered:
Jean-Pierre told reporters that, rather than focusing on the president’s minor mis-steps, they should be focused on the major steps he is taking toward accomplishing global initiatives once thought to be physically impossible: (As in more physically impossible even than being a living, walking fossil.)
The president has often been instructed by his handlers not to go off script, but he remains as prone to wander in speech as on foot.
Some members of the House of Representatives, after failing to impeach the president earlier today, said POTUS is just abusing his own impotency as an elder statesmen to garner sympathy votes in the 2024 election.