Jalopy Joe Says it All!
"Look, I didn't share those documents with anyone. I hoarded them all to myself! Everyone knows that."
President Joe Mumblestumbles thanked President Francois Mitterrand of East Germany today for his contribution to ending World War II.
The president said, “Thank God the war is behind us now. Mitterand and I still have a lot of tough border decisions to make after our recent war with Helmut Kohl. That damn German border is always on my mind. People are always asking me about the border!”
According to Mumblestumbles, the former, long-dead president of France, asked him how long he had been back from the dead as he could not recall his own apparent resurrection. The president mistakenly thought Mitterrand was asking how long he, the US president, had been back from the dead and took it as another slight against his age. “Look, I’m back, I told him. I’m back. That’s all that matters.”
Mumblestumbles said, “I set him st-straight on that one. Just to … to … to show you an ex- example of my m-m-m-my m-m-mental acc, acuity! (sneeze). Ex-excuse me. I told him, Just a minute… Just a …” and then the president fell asleep standing at the lectern. Nudged back awake by his wife, Jill, who was standing beside him to support him (literally), Mumblestumbles, said, “Now, where was I,” as he turned to take one of his familiar aimless walks around the podium.
“You’re right here, Dear,” said the First Lady, taking hold of his shoulders from behind.
“O.K. Can you guide me off the podium? How did I get up here anyway?” whispered the president while his mic was still hot.
The president made this rare public appearance to confront recent claims by the DoJ’s special investigator, to say, “'I know what the hell I am doing,” insisting “my memory is fine.” Off the record, one staff member said, following the abbreviated and somewhat erratic press conference, that she was concerned the president may have suffered from the blow that his head received when he fell from his bicycle earlier in the day as he attempted to prove his bicycle-riding acuity as well. “Or,” she said, “he might have hit his head when he stumbled over that vase in the hallway on his way in here because he had his bicycle helmet on backward.”
The apparent struggle to remember his own time and place in history seemed to reinforce statements made by Special Counsel Robert Hurr, whose report had made the following claims about the president as justification for dropping charges against him over mishandling top-secret government documents that the president had stored inside of his frequently open garage beside his convertible Corvette, which he said he used to safely transport the documents: (See: “Biden Busted With His Pants Down”)
The president’s clearly diminished mental acuity would likely cause any jury to feel sympathetic with the doddering old man and acquit him or, at most, require he be given proper nursing-home care.
The president couldn’t remember when his son Beau died or even remember the year or even the decade, but he was certain it happened after World War II.
Nor could he remember when he was vice president, but he was pretty sure it was under Obama. “Am I still vice president?” he asked.
Asked if he knew what Hamas was, he said, “Of course I do. I love it. I like to smear it. It’s that pasty, tasty stuff you put on pita bread.”
Tired of the questions, Mumblestumbles finally said, “Look, I have a code to blow up the world. So, knock it off with all these questions, Man. You’re makin’ me mad!”
In answer to some of the actual charges being made against him over the unlawfully transported and sloppily retained secret documents, the president, according to The Daily Mail,
…blamed subordinates for some of the decisions that got him in trouble and precipitated the year-long probe that is already providing fodder for President Donald Trump's campaign.
“The buck stops there,” said the president, though …
'I take responsibility for not having seen exactly what my staff was doing,' he said.
It sounded a lot like the “idiot” and “moron” blamitude given by the former president to his staff for all his mistakes and any policy that failed. It’s the “I tend to hire idiots” excuse that has become common to US presidents.
In his defense at the press conference today President Mumblestumbles also gave the following example of his abilities:
“No one thought I could ever get passed all the things I got passed, but they had no idea how much I could pass with the help of a little ex-lax.” The president smiled in satisfaction and added, “In fact, I think I’m passing something right now without even trying.”
The president also retorted, “I did not share documents. I did not! I hoarded them to myself in my garage. This I did because Donald Trump wouldn’t let me have any bathroom space or closet space for them at Mar-a-Lago. It’s standard operating procedure if you’re a president or VP.”
When questioned about how he was handling the current situation with Hamas in Gaza, the president replied. “I called the president of Mexico today, and told him he needs to get this border situation under control before we do it for him. Razor wire is not the solution. Neither is a wall. What we need is action by Mexico to stop Hamas in its tracks from shooting missiles across our border. You cannot stop missiles with razor wire.”
When a staff member whispered to the president that Gaza is on the border with Israel, not the US, the president said with obvious perturbation, “Yes, I know that! Of course it is. That’s why I’ve sent our border patrol over there to help.”
“I think, as you know initially, the president of Mexico, El-Sisi, did not want to open up the Gaza gate to humanitarian material to get in. I talked to him. I convinced him to open the gate.”
Noted The Daily Mail in its coverage of today’s presidential mishaps,
The mix-up with El-Sisi might have gone little noticed in another week. Many politicians occasionally botch names while speaking in public, as the White House pointed out Thursday.
But this week [the US president] has already twice mixed up the identities of world leaders, instead bringing up predecessors who have passed away.
Angry White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre covered for the president by saying “this happens”:
“It happens. It really happens. The president screws up all the time, and I can hardly keep track of who he is talking about, myself.”
Even The Hill expressed deep concerns about the president’s mental health:
Asked about his extremely low approval numbers in polls, which are worse than any recent president who was running for re-election, President Mumblestumbles answered,
“You’re looking at the wrong numbers. Those are numbers for living presidents. When you compare my number to other dead presidents for how they would do on the 2024 ballot, the numbers are great. They’re, in fact, astounding.”
(If you like REAL news and commentary, try The Daily Doom. Though more of this was real than was fiction because the truth about Biden is strange that way. You just can’t make this stuff up faster than Biden comes up with it on his own.)
First class satire David.